Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Well Damn {Gucci LOL}

these past couple days have been crazy....but its good that throughout it all im keepin a smile...alot has changed and there's been some enlightment on somethings and rite now im feeling good becuz im learning the true power of a friendship...sometimes in order to get what you want you got to either go back to where you started or just be friends till your ready to b somethin.....on anotha note had my first graduation practice and damn it was a wreck lol....talk about muthafuckas ovr excited lol.....uncordinated and hype.....i will just be glad when its all said and done and ovr with...im hoping for a good weekend..me and my pops will just be at the crib this weekend......well really just me becuz my dad will be at work most of the time so yea im lookin foward to just kickin it this weekend enjoy time to myself and peace and quiet finally......my goal is to remain stress free....and positive......ive noticed dat when im stressed and negative that im not myself and i dont think properly.....so imma keep a cool head at all times and live life.....newest piece of news is that the damn swine flu is officially in durham and two niggas have alrdy caught it wtf is the world coming to????.....my advice is dont shake anybodys hand and that we all start walkin around with towels or cloths over our mouth like the asians did when SARS broke out lol jk...but foreal lets all be safe and healthy.....i didnt wanna make this blog to long.......so imma keep it short and simple....ps..{11 more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Real Shit!!!!!

after a wild day and last nite rollercoaster ride of emotions.....i came home and took a long look in the mirror....and had to realize who the fuck iam...and what was i doing allowing myself to walk around here looking like a slug on log...lookin as if i was depressed lol wtf was i thinking like im CARMEN LAMAR JONES!!!!!!!!!!!!! and imma live my life how i want to......at times like is gonna hit u with curve balls to knock you down but you get rite back up and thats just wat imma do...has my expreince made me a bit selfish? yea in a sense it has...basically i feel ive got just a sample of what the cold world can cook up...and true i got sick off that shit....but imma throw it up and get rid of it and work on keeping it moving.....rite now imma finish getting ready for graduation and be proud that ive made it...this weekend looks like imma take a road trip with da fellas down to greensboro saturday since imma be the only one home this saturday and i prolly wont have anybody come by so imma just take sometime outta durham to kick it with my niggas...even though my situation has changed me a bit...i cant lie i still love her and if i culd do it again i would but i guess i gotta live with the choice she's made......i dont force anybody to do anything they dont want to.....and all i can do is be me.....its good ive found some motivation to write more cuz this shit is def gone bring sum poems and songs and what not so its all good......its amazing how everything can happen so fast..and thats why whenever i have alot goin on..i take time to sit down and think about everything thru so that way wen it comes to make a decision or choice i have less regrets like to avoid thinking the whole should i have did that or not when i make a choice im usually sure of myself and i can live with that choice...cuz ive seen what making choices while im mad or upset has cost me..so i take my time but other than that imma just tak life one day at a time and stay on this paper chase....until my next blog im out...CONGRATULATIONS CLASS OF 2009!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 25, 2009

?????

To Close Can't Stop Praying Now
Though There Seems Theres No one To This Pain
Everytime I Close My Eyes I Pray For Rain
I Pray For Rain To Wash Away The Pain......

the lyrics to that song are extremely true....and i can relate to every word.......as we all know pain and hard times is apart of life ive accepted that.....it just seems really hard at times.....i went to bed last nite feeling a little better having a positive outlook that everything will be just fine and i feel it will but in a sense whem i woke up i felt like shit....like i got up looked over at my phone at missed txt messages or calls and in a sense i was kinda lookin foward to a "goodmorning" txt and i didnt see it...now not sayin that i have to get that txt before i call or txt...but these past couple days its been really different......i havent been called nor txt..yesterday i made a call and expressed myself and left it alone.....to give time for thought.....but i didnt expect to not get calls or txt anymore at the sametime and as bad as i wanna call and express whats on my mind or how i currently i feel i question it cuz mayb i given them to much.....i dont want it to seem like im being a nag....so i kinda just let them be a tad bit but at the sametime it really hurts more not hearing from them.....i never had a situation where o i was just calling u back cuz u called me.....it was always i was callin cuz i wanted to talk to you.....lastnite really seemed good cuz i was feeling fine but i dont understand why i feel like shit this morning....like im really at an all time low...and i will be honest that iam wondering how long will it be before i recieve a call....like im not exactly the type to wait by the phone but each time my phone rings im not gonna lie....i do hope that its from that somebody.......at times it almost seems like the fate of all of this has been decided and that maybe im just in denial about it.....but i hope thats not the case....and if it is..than im just rdy to recieve my closure......cuz life just doesnt seem any easier until my question mark is removed..and ive said all i can say..and nearly done all i can do......

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Memories & The Coolest Grandma Ever


i just had a great convo with my grandma..and i swear my grandma is the best....the only grandma that i know that religiously keeps up with sports....hate to say it but my 80 year old grandma has a swag like no other.....just goin back and forth about old memories and swaoing stories back and forth about times so old such as when i was in pampers.....times like when i would take my diaper off and rub my mess across the wall lol (personal thought lol what was i thinking?)......my grandma remebers times like when i was three how she would get up and cum to my bed side every mornin and ask me what i wanted for breakfast and i wuld mumble or point it out....and she wuld fix it and i wuld b knocked rite back out so i wuld end up eating i for lunch....just reviewing back then how i was such a badass...and how ive grown so much into this well mannered ..handsome smart yung man shocks me cuz i nvr thought in a million years that i wuld turn out decent...but i do still have more growing to do...not only have i grown but its just great to see all my other cousins who r all close n age who have been like the brothers ive nvr had..just growin up with them and remebering how we used to run and rip the streets of philly....doin watever we found fun to do......its just really great thinking about it all...ive also discovered that my love and passion for music has branched off frm my grandma also.....my grandma says that shes loved music ever sice she was small and that she probably listens to it just as much as i do...and i listen to it damn there 24/7 lol...she even still teases me about how i use to demand the family to call me lamar instead of carmen cuz i hated my name cuz i used to get tease at skool for it...but ive grown to embrace and like my name becuz itz one of a kind and unique plus i know mad girls how like it lol so its all good...... but when it all cums down to it i love my family and i dont think i wuld b me without them......other than that tonite imma just zone out to sum classic music...sum grownup type stuff and take care of somethings i need to take care of somethings i need to take care of.......my storm is slowly but surely passing over...GO CAVS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Freak Incident

i think this has been one of my most rockiest testing weeks of my faith that i ever had....this week i have had times that ive lost my cool..and hell i did have a reason to but at the same time i didnt consider other ppl around me.....i think last nite was my biggest incident of losin my cool i was alrdy mad about immature ppl still causin me problems..and then ontop of that i hear somethings that in a sense i didnt take the time to listen to and understand even though i will honestly say...it kinda seems like bullshit...and that i feel i was completely railroaded but i mean hey im not in control of anyones life....but i def coulda reacted better....i think out of all the relationships ive ever had i think this is the one that has bothered me the most becuz ive invested so much time love and emotion in it.....for it to all go down the drain..i understand my other half doesnt want it to go down the drain either....but i gotta do a better job of listening and understanding instead of spazzing out...and doin a little assuming....what i have now means alot to me ..and if i havent realized dat early on than..i damn sure have realized it now.....i think weve just hit our biggest issue that is testing both our relationship and faith....cuz its not really anything were doing to one another its more just outside things that are ripping us apart..and i refuse to let the outside world do that.....i woke up to a 6am call from my mother because when i came home last nite i broke down to my pops and he really didnt kno how to talk to me about it and he was concerned so he called my moms.....and told her what was goin on.....and she called me 6am my time which is 3am her time in cali..and we had a long convo of whats going on...she explained the situation frm my shoes and explained the situation frm my girls shoes.....and its not like what were goin thru cant b worked out or overcame....but its gonna take a huge dosage of trust a cool head and sum time......which i now truely understand.....and at the same time i dont need to be walkin around wih my heart on my sleve cuz its gonna b all good.....i trust and believe that cuz weve invested to much to let this all go down the drain..but if i dont take the advice of my moms and remain cool ive understood that i culd push my other half away and then i wuld b the true reason for the death of my relationship.....im glad god has blessed me with a reasonable head on my shoulders to be able to cool down and get back to myself when i need to.....but at the same time when sunthing is dear to the kidd my emotions go rapid..but imma do a way better job of gettin it together...other than that im about lets say 2 weeks frm graduation and im excited for it...and i got these finals to work on and im excited for all my fam coming to my graduation and helpng me celebrate it afterwards so i got alot to smile about and look foward to....life is gonna b just fine........and imma just get things together and me and her are gonna work thru this together becuz we cant do it alone

Thursday, May 21, 2009

*Emotions Will Never Die*


The battle is not yet over when in reality its really just begun, even though im down and out now in the end i will be the one to stand in victory when the battle is won...my emotions for you grew directly when i met you...damn who woulda knew that it would have to come to my heart getting pricked for me to realize that you were growing tired of bullshit.....as i write and i write and i write....my true feelings that might have been in the dark is now coming to the light...me and you both know the difference between whats right and whats wrong......like one of your favorite songs are titled "Us Against The World" I refuse to back down from the fight....while things get rough my endurance and determination becomes tough...and at the same time i realize that all i do is never enuff...As i lay wounded on this battle field bleeding passion and emotion Ive chose that no matter how hard it is to stay above water and swim i will overcome this unbearable ocean...and i feel if we both agree and pledge to take a paddle than our boat will continue floatin

Monday, May 18, 2009

Rough Patches


u kno i always wonder is there ever a way to right your wrongs even after u apologize or even if u leave the situation alone and u just move on..but its like no matter what u do to correct what youve done its like the world continues to see u as dis bad person or monster.....at times it seems like ppl want me to kiss they ass whenever i fall short or if im suppose to catch everything that cums to me in disquise im a human being just like everybody else in this world....the shit that we go thru and that happens to us was meant to becuz our expreinces are considered lessons for life...if we went thru life without problems than we wuld take everything for granted.....numba one thing that will always give you tough times is a relationship.....relationships are nvr easy especially when love is involved...love can make u or break u.....it can also b the greatest thing to ever occur to a human being or anyone who can feel it..lately my situation has been super rocky ..ive been the cause of it bein rocky and then partially i havent been been when ur in a relationship if both partners wanna make it work than both must have that same amount of care and desire to it cant b a o well i careless now becuz of all past situations ....its def gonna continue to b hard if u continung to press on the negative becuz u wont let it go u dont have to forget but tdont hold it against someone becuz if u do den those past issues or problems will be all u see in that person which in a sense is wrong.....if u see ur otherhalf workin to make shit work then u shuld do da same but if ur not than u wuld b better off admitting that u wanna go..but if u truely love that other person than u wuld work with them.....arguing isnt always the best thing to do but at times its a way to vent emotions to help ur other half understand wen they kinda confused or lost.....thats like a relationship will crash if two ppl arent holding on to steer it...and one person cant steer i alone cuz love is like a tonka truck...its too big and too much for one person to handle so thats y we share feelings and emotions which create love.......if a person was to ask me today..was i honestly in love with my better half i wuld say yea iam without a shadow of a doubt true i fucked up and made sum dumb choices but atleast ive realized my shortcummings and that im willing to better myself so i can stop doing the wrong things ive been doing.....i remeber hearing this saying that relationships are like broken glass that its not worth picking up becuz u can risk hurting urself..but in the case of this relationship...its worth all the cuts,bruises, and bleeding.........cuz this love is worth it.....im not perfect but i feel i can be the best that i can be to my other half...from learning frm my past and havin a desire to do better.....im hard to understand at times but u gotta take my good qualities along with my bad......and i feel that if i really sit down and make a list of the bad things about me and the good things about me..i culd guarentee my good will outweigh my bad....cuz along with the bad ive done in the aftermath ive always had a good heart and been apologetic.....well im bout at the end of my blog and i got sum music to go review that i just got so imma bump it and call it a nite ....----->im out till my next blog

Monday, May 11, 2009

Definition Of A Hoe* - Exposing Realshit and Not Bullshit (SlutBag P Edition)

Everybody has their own definition of what a hoe is......some say a girl is a hoe if she sleeps with fiffty million niggas or suck every nigga dick that comes in her direction..ut in reality my definition of a hoe is a girl who has no fuckin values or morals and just settles for anything....over the past couple months ive witnessed true evidence as an example of a girl who carries the traits of a hoe....this broad carries herself with her head so low its pitiful..the fact that you have such low self esteem for yourself to the point that you just settle for anything or any nigga is not how a chick should be....ANYTIME YOU HAVE SLEPT WITH 21+ NIGGAS BEFORE THE AGE OF 18 is a complete disgrace..and you wonder why you never will find happiness becuzyou open ya legs to anybody.....then wanna claim "celibate" get the fuck outta here!!!!!! you cant be fuckin fiffty million niggas one day then the next day you wanna start bein celibate cuz u think dat maybe that will stop you from etting hurt..no the way you stop gettin hurt is learning to value yaself and have more respect for yaself and keep ya fuckin legs closed I wuld be suprised if the broad got any walls left cuz her pussy been a damn revolving opeing and closing door....now you have a true reason to hate me and start some shit...grow the fuck up and go get a papsmear............

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Accusations &Positve Mindstate

its been a grip since the last time i put up a blog...truth is da kidd been mad busy with school and putting more money in my pocket.....plus i had to rebuild the hardrive of my laptop cuz i had hundreds of viruses and trojans and what not..but it was a good learning process...but anyways were down to the last 20 somethin days till graduation..and im ready.....i been waitin for this moment and its almost here finally.....if i had to change anything about highschool or do it ovr again i wulda took my time with skool more and took it more seriously....i did so much bullshitting it aint funny but aye dats da past we movin towards the future..in my future i see myself touchin alot of paper and oppurtunities and imma b on em like a pittbull...as of this summer im on my grind wit makin money skool and music...and plus i just found out im goin to africa for two weeks in july so da summa sounded real sexy rite now lol....on anotha note glad my lil shawty got a job..she a workin chick now...which is good cuz she makes herslef more independent which i dont have a problem with...so its gucci..anyways im sure many of you heard about the false accusations applied against our beloved former teacher named mr.greenstreet frm hillside...and i think honestly he situation is all bullshit..ole girl got three damn different stories goin round skool....and weve dealt with many situations like this before with her..ive always been tight and close with the girl but as of bout now imma be skeptical till i find all dis shit out...i just really feel for her if she turns out to be a liar.....but only time and investigating will tell.....so until then the WE WANT GREENSTREET MOVEMENT WILL CONTINUE!!!!!!!!!anyways im getting a tad bit tired so imma call it a nite...till my next blog im out---
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